Do your part to end the Pandemic. Throw your baby into the Nile.
The Pharaoh’s new Baby Ban is now in effect.
Based on CDC recommendations, the Pharaoh has implemented new legislation that limits the spread of children and babies. This comes after new research indicates that babies and children under the age of twelve contribute to the spread of COVID-19.
According to the Pharaoh, “All newborn babies and children under the working age of twelve will be thrown into the Nile to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Parents must prove that their pre-teens have been eaten by alligators or they will not be allowed to shop, work, or participate in social activities.”
The new legislation comes after 529,000 Amerigyptians died from the disease in its first year — that’s almost 220,000 less than heart disease, which claims 1–4 Amerigyptian lives. When asked about heart disease, a metabolic condition caused by poor lifestyle choices, killing more Amerigyptians than COVID-19, the Pharaoh quickly threw our correspondent into a pit of vipers. Realizing our mistake, we conceded to the God-King and maintained the narrative.
The research is firmly backed by the CDC, so it’s probably true. According to the study, babies are human beings with the potential to catch and spread COVID-19. Worse, because the safe and effective vaccine doesn’t fully protect the vaccinated from catching or spreading COVID-19, the only way to eradicate the disease is to eradicate the young. Children, as the study shows, are vectors of disease second to locusts and rats. Throwing our babies into the Nile is the only viable solution. “It’s your civic duty,” the Pharaoh’s publicist told us.
Even though COVID-19 has killed fewer people than heart disease, a mostly preventable cardiometabolic condition with absolutely no social mandates, people are still refusing to throw their children into the Nile. Some have even elected to weave baskets out of reeds and float their babies downriver, hoping that someone might rescue them, in an attempt to avoid the mandate. Due to the risk of drowning, sun exposure, and other babies, the CDC does not recommend this as a way to keep your baby safe. When asked about the Israelites trying to keep their children alive, the Pharaoh’s spokesperson said, “You wouldn’t speed in a school zone or give your child alcohol, right? Of course not, it’s illegal and dangerous. So do the right thing and toss em to the gators.”
Further, the idea of a Gator-Baiter Passport rubs some the wrong way, even if it’s in the best interest of the public and our only way to defeat the virus.
“My baby, my choice,” Austin Kenning, a 32-year-old Israelite Steelworker from Luxor, told us, “If I don’t want to feed my baby to the gators, I shouldn’t have to. I mean, vaccinated adults can still catch and spread the virus. What makes my baby worse than them?”
The conspiracy that babies are just as safe as adults is rampant among the Israelites. Even though vaccinated adults are still contracting and spreading the disease, unvaccinated babies are at a greater risk of contracting and spreading the disease — somehow. I don’t know; that’s what the God-King said, so we’re sticking with it.
When pressed on the idea of Gator-Baiter Passports, the Pharaoh’s spokesperson responded, “It’s only right. Don’t the citizens of Amerigypt want their local businesses to succeed? Don’t you want your friends and family to be healthy? Don’t you want your kids to grow up without the fear of COVID? If this is the only way to prove that you aren’t harboring a child, then it’s what we have to do. Like I said, it’s just the right thing.”
The Gator-Baiter Passports are only being mandated for social interactions and activities, so if you’re comfortable rotting away at home without the ability to work, exercise, socialize, eat, or any of the other amenities afforded to prisoners of war, you don’t have to get the Gator-Baiter Passport. “At the end of the day,” the Pharaoh’s representative said, “it’s your choice. We won’t force you to get one. We’ll strongarm you and destroy your livelihood, social and emotional wellbeing, and personal health, but we won’t make you get one. This is Amerigypt after all, and we’re all free to make our own choices. That said, your choices will come with brutal, unrelenting punishments.”
“I agree with it,” says 45-year-old Rebecca Tayor, a stay-at-home mommy blogger in upstate Cairo, “I mean, you need a driver’s license to drive a car, right? How is this any different?”
As it turns out, it isn’t any different. According to the CDC, your baby doesn’t belong to you; it belongs to everyone. A common conspiracy among the Israelites is that their babies belong to them, but the CDC disagrees. “Your baby is like a car,” the Pharaoh’s spokesperson said, “It’s yours until it poses a danger to society. You can’t drink and drive, right? Of course not; and if you do, you lose your car — it’s the exact same for your baby. It can spread the virus, therefore you can’t have it.” That was solid logic, so we chose not to point out the differences between living, autonomous beings and the mishandling of mechanical tools.
The Pharaoh unveiled his new slogan with the signing of the mandate:
Gator-Bait to Participate!
It’s your civic duty!
Followed by a Master-Baiting competition, where parents competed to bait the largest gators with their babies. The grand prize came with $100 dollars and the title of “Master-Baiter.”
“I think activities like this are great,” said another reliable white woman in scrubs, “my hope is that the spirit of competition — and, let's be honest, the prize money — will encourage more parents to throw their babies into the Nile.”
The Pharaoh’s spokesperson agreed, “If $100 is all it takes to get a couple thousand babies floating down the river, then it’s money well spent.”
The signing ended with a mass Gator-Bate and a celebration on the palace grounds — yes, you needed to show your Gator-Baiter Passport to enter.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Joseph B., one of the celebration’s participants, “ I threw all four of my kids into the Nile this morning. And I don’t even miss em!” Mr. B was cut off as a cheer from the crowd shook the palace walls. A whole gaggle of Israelites tossed their babies into the Nile, desperate for work and maybe a little food. The Israelites wept, but the crowd roared.
This is the only way we can end the pandemic.
Please, do your part and throw your baby into the Nile.
It’s your civic duty.
